just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
