Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
