We got so high we made milksteak
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
