just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
