Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
