You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
