drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
