I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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