Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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