Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
