I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
