the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
