I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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