all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
