I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
