i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
