I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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