You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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