did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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