saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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