You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
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John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
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I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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