He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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