From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
