Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
