Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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