I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
