No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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