Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
