I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
