I'm so fucking centered right now
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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