just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
