how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize