I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
