the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
