just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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