My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
