I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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