i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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