I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
