We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
