i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
