Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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