I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
