Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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