How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
