Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
