Cold hands, warm shart.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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