I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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