he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
