I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
