Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
