I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
