Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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