i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
