I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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