Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
