my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
