the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
