Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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