Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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