you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
