it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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