I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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