So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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